To Jaina's absolute shock, she hadn't received any punishment for her actions aside from a stern warning from Wedge. Not only had Jag not sold her out, but he also didn't transfer out of her squadron. He definitely got bonus points for both things. And for all her worry, people didn't seem to have any more of a problem with her than they were already developing, thanks to her recent goddessness.

Still, even with that blaster bolt dodged, she hadn't felt all that great being here. The kids were all gone and that just brought up a whole big thing with her own childhood issues, Luke and Mara had gone off to the Vongformed Coruscant, there'd been a talk with Tahiri she would have rathered skip, and she was doing everything she could to avoid overthinking her every decision and feeling since... ever.

She didn't know why she ended up at her parents' quarters, but without realizing they'd returned, she did the easy thing and just broke in. It occurred to her that she wanted something comforting and familiar, but she didn't have much of that anymore. She never felt like a kid anymore, her brothers were gone, and her childhood home had probably been demolished, or changed over into some Vong monstrosity by now. Going to hang out in her parents' empty quarters was sadly about all she had.

Jaina hadn't meant to fall asleep, and only woke up when she felt slightly jostled. When she opened her eyes, she saw that Leia was lying next to her with her arm around her. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's all right," Jaina said, and unthinkingly moved to pull Leia's arm tighter around her. Shut up. Sometimes a girl needed her mommy.

Of course, since Jaina hadn't done anything like that since she was oh, about seven, Leia's next question was, "Are you all right?"

It would be an easy question to dodge, but Jaina was tired. Tired of faking normal when all she really wanted to do was cry, or beat something up, or beat something up while crying. "I don't think so. I don't think I know who I am anymore."

Leia had good reason to look concerned. This was more honest than Jaina was usually, and it was a side of her that her mother never got to see anymore. "Is this the goddess thing-"

"No. That doesn't confuse me in the least. It's just a confidence game," Jaina said. "No, the problem is being all Jedi, which seems so crystal clear in what you should do and what you say at any given time... and then being the rest of me, where nothing is clear."

"Jaina, I've been wrestling with the same question since I was only a little older than you are now, and I still don't have a good answer. Sometimes I'm Jedi and sometimes I'm not," Leia said, though she didn't seem bitter or pointed about Jaina's criticisms of her there. "Jedi teaching says that you must turn away from fear. But as a politician, I have to experience fear. Not just my own. The fear of my allies. The fear of my opponents. If I can't feel it- if I can't become it, in a sense- I can't predict which way they're going to jump when trouble hits. Sometimes being a Jedi just runs completely counter to your other goals. The methodology is too different."

"That's part of it, too," Jaina admitted. "It took me a while to figure out. I'm afraid."

"It's all right to be afraid," Leia told her, gently stroking her hair. "You're surrounded by fearsome things. Being afraid will keep you alive."

"That's not it. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of surviving... and getting to the end of the war and discovering that I'm all alone. That everyone I knew and cared for is gone." Probably not what anyone's mother wanted to hear their child say, but there it was.

"Jaina, that won't happen."

"It's already happening," Jaina insisted. "I mean, it was like having part of me cut off when Anakin died, but with Jacen it's even worse. As far back as I can recall, no matter what was going on, no matter what was wrong, I could turn around and Jacen would be there. We could be on some distant hideout world or lost in the underbelly of Coruscant or wandering around on parts of Yavin Four no thinking creature has ever seen, and there Jacen was. I never had to be bored, I never had to afraid, I never had to be alone. When we lost him, I was cut in half. Half of me is gone." And there she was, trying not to cry again. At least she had a reason for it.

"Jacen's not dead," Leia assured her. "I know he's in trouble, but he's alive. I would have felt him go. I felt it with Anakin."

She wasn't going to try and press the issue. She'd done that enough, and Leia would come to grips with it in her own time. "I keep having these thoughts," Jaina said. "That I should be planning for the future. Just recently, they've gotten, well, even more frequent." Two near-weddings in three months and having to watch your boyfriend plan for a year from now without you would do that. "But I can't bear to do that. I can't plan to have a home on a world when it might not be there tomorrow, or for a career in a service that might be gone."

"I know. That's what it was like all those years ago, when Palpatine seemed to be an unstoppable force and we were always on the run, and your father was just this ridiculously attractive man who always seemed to be on the verge of leaving us. And do you know what I learned?"

"What?"

"At times like that, you plan for your future by bringing people into your life. You know they can't all survive what you're facing. You're at an advantage where not everyone you know will have to face it at all. But those who do, they're part of your life forever. No matter what, when you fall, they'll catch you; when you're hungry, they'll feed you; when you're hurting, they'll heal you. And you'll do the same for them. And that's your future. I've had whole worlds taken away from me... but not my future."

Jaina had spent quite a lot of time thinking her mother couldn't possibly understand her, but it wasn't like Leia didn't know what she was talking about here. She'd been a known Rebel for what, four years? Not to mention all the time spent working behind the scenes beforehand, and all the mopping up action that had been required afterwards. She'd lost her homeplanet twice to war. It was beginning to occur to Jaina that maybe Leia was just stronger than she was.

After a long moment, Jaina said, "Actually, I'm glad you got back. I waned to let you know that I finally get it."

"You get- get what?"

"I had a talk with Mara a few days ago and it really bothered me. I finally understood about you sending us, Jacen and Anakin and me, away when we were little. Having to be away all the time even when we were on Coruscant. Responsibilities," she explained. "But I never really understood how badly it had to have hurt you."

"Oh, baby," Leia said gently. "Of course it hurt. I tried to tell you, time after time. But there aren't even words for that kind of pain."

"I know." And in a way, it was another reason Jaina wasn't planning that far ahead. There were a lot of things that were just going to have to wait until the war was over and her own responsibilities could change. And if the war never ended, well... She sat up and said, "I've got to go. Reports to write. Goddess stuff to do." Still, she leaned over to hug Leia, realizing that it had been a long time since she'd done that and meant it. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you, Jaina."

And then, feeling better at least about that, she got up to go do her goddess things.


[NFB, NFI, OOC okay. Dialogue from Rebel Dream by Aaron Allston.]